


insomnia

by httpblckpnk



Category: BLACKPINK (Band), K-pop
Genre: F/F, Heartbreak, LGBTQ Character, LGBTQ Themes
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-07-07
Updated: 2019-12-23
Packaged: 2020-06-23 23:37:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 4
Words: 13,406
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19711819
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/httpblckpnk/pseuds/httpblckpnk
Summary: park chaeyoung, a.k.a rosé, is a small, not very well known model on instagram and twitter. she idolizes kim jennie, who's known for her makeup line and music made under yg entertainment.rosé wants a career under yge, not only to be around her lifelong idol but also to jumpstart her career as a singer and model.as rosé finally hits half a million subscribers on her youtube channel, a cover of one of kim jennie's songs goes viral.





	1. 귀엽다 ~

**Author's Note:**

> i'm writing this story here and on wattpad simultaneously but they are the SAME contrary to previous notes so don’t worry about reading on multiple platforms. it’s the same no matter where you read.
> 
> i refer to chaeyoung as so many different nicknames like rosie, chae, chaeng, chaeyoung, or rosé so i just wanna clear up that they're the SAME PERSON for those who might not catch that lmao.  
> lastly, sorry for any embarrassing typos...i usually write super late at night (like rn it's 2:30 am) and get way too tired and/or lazy to edit thoroughly. but we all make mistakes i guess lol.

rosé looks at the clock after finishing a cover of one of her favorite jennie songs; it's 4:32 am. she laughs to herself in her head because she can't seem to remember the last time she had stayed up this late. it was such a rarity for her to have fun by herself anymore after losing some friends, but it felt so good to be awake at this hour. it felt refreshing. she could even sleep all day but never be up this late. it was a nice change of pace, she just hoped it would last.

she yawns quietly, exhaustion overwhelming her body, but she still refuses to sleep. it's summer. she doesn't want to waste a minute of it.

kim jennie is her favorite artist. she's YGE's biggest, most successful singer, and rosé had fallen in love the second she debuted. it was like the sound of her voice and her visual charm had collaborated to captivate chaeyoung's entire heart. she felt like there was some kind of intimate connection between them both, as if they had been close friends or even sisters in a past life.

she dims the brightness on her laptop, and runs her fingertips along the worn-down keys. she's been recording songs and uploading videos on this thing for years. it was her best friend. she noticed small indentations on each of the keys where her fingers had clicked down daily for all this time. she felt like she knew this thing inside and out, but better yet, it knew her just the same way.

she opened up final cut pro to edit the cover video she had just recorded. she liked to serenade her subscribers, especially late at night. she thought it felt so intimate. they all seemed to like it too, it felt like they were her fans, as if she were a famous singer. she wished she was famous sometimes. it had always been a dream of hers since she was little. she sang all the time at home or in church, it was what she had wanted for such a long time. she felt so lucky to have her youtube channel, which she felt was the closest she'd ever get to the fame she wanted. she felt humbled though; she didn't need fame to feel accomplished. she had all she needed as long as she had her music. and kim jennie.

once she finished editing, she uploaded her video to youtube. she fell asleep beside her laptop on the table in front of her before it could finish, and she slept until 9 am.

she woke up and shut her laptop without checking the stats of her video - she was never one to care about a number whether it was likes on a post, retweets or views. she just enjoyed putting content out for those who wanted to see it.

she grabbed a towel from the linen closet in the hall and walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind her. she set her phone on the bathroom counter next to the sink, and after she undressed, she neatly folded her clothes and set them beside her phone. she was a simply neat person, she didn't even think she was capable of being messy. maybe when she was a child, there would've been a time that she'd throw her clothes on the bathroom floor before a shower but now, she couldn't imagine. living on her own, she's learned to clean up after herself. she didn't know any other way.

her towel sat on the far side of the counter, away from her clothes and phone but on the edge closest to the shower.

she took her time washing her hair, especially because she loved the scent of her cherry blossom shampoo. some people she saw on twitter would say that cherry blossoms were unsettling, but she could never understand why. she thought they were beautiful.

while she bathed, her phone vibrated endlessly, second after second with youtube and twitter notifications.

she reached to the counter for her towel after shutting the water off and neatly wrapped it around herself, stepping out of the shower and drying herself on the mat. she saw her phone still buzzing erratically and grabbed it after drying her hands to see the commotion.

she opened twitter and saw that @ceokim had posted a screenshot of her youtube cover.  
she stood in disbelief for a minute. it had hardly even registered to her what was going on. she couldn't think straight for a few seconds. THE kim jennie? she laughed out loud as if she felt she was being pranked. she refreshed the page but sure enough, jennie had tweeted a screenshot of her cover with the caption "cute~"

rosé frantically tweeted a reply, which gained tons of likes within minutes. jennie's fans were now chaeyoung's fans.

she called her best friend lisa to tell her the news, but lisa had already heard.

"congratulations chaeng! i still can't even believe it."  
"i can't either! it happened in seconds - and i didn't even see! i was in the shower."  
"you blew up overnight lol"

rosé screenshotted jennie's tweet and made it her wallpaper. she couldn't come to believe that her lifelong idol had watched her video.

but then she felt embarrassed. the woman she'd idolized for years had heard her sing? she recorded the silly cover at 4 in the morning because she couldn't sleep. it wasn't meant for the ears of kim jennie herself - and if it had been, maybe rosie would've bothered to brush her hair or change her hoodie.

"maybe i could...report jennie's tweet for copyright?" she thought. "but no...she's already seen it. what would that do?" she thought long and hard for a way to make the video less embarrassing for herself, but she came to the conclusion that the damage had been done. jennie had seen and heard and interacted with the video to the max, it seemed. there was no going back. she sighed and decided that maybe she could flood her channel with better videos as fast as possible so she could hide her jennie cover without having to delete it, because as much as she hated to care about the numbers, she admired the growing heaps of views.

she was silently thankful to jennie for the publicity because as much as she hated to admit it, the attention felt nice. she had just reached 500k subscribers and she felt so good about it, and then jennie posted her video and she gained about 100k more. her video skyrocketed, but she was also secretly afraid she'd be a one-hit wonder. and it wasn't even one of her own original songs.

days passed and her influx of publicity didn't cease. she had muted youtube notifications because of what a distraction they had become.

her only notifications came from twitter and text messages, and she was happy to see a familiar name on her screen.

lisa: wanna go to lunch? i'll buy:)  
chaeyoung: sure ! i feel like it's been forever since i've even left my apartment...scared of all the paparazzi i'll have to face now that i'm basically the new jennie......  
lisa: yeah right ! i'll pick you up in like 20 mins

rosie got herself dressed in a tshirt and denim shorts and decided to throw her hair into a braid. she loved the length and volume - she always liked her hair - but she didn't feel like dealing with it today. she sat on a small bench by her door and waited for lisa's text.

lisa: here bbg

rosie laughed and walked downstairs to meet her friend. they had the usual lighthearted argument of where to go to eat, and eventually settled on their usual place.

they rode with the windows down. they almost never did, because neither of them liked the wind in their hair but today they decided to have a little fun - to literally let their hair down - because it was summer. and they didn't want to waste a single second.

they arrived to the restaurant and were seated within just a few minutes. lisa and chaeyoung sat down together, but could hardly even get into a conversation before a girl had come over to their table. she didn't seem much older than the two of them, maybe a couple years. she smiled at rosie, and rosie couldn't help but smile back. the girl's mouth looked like a heart when she smiled.

-

jennie kim had been up early that sunday morning. july 7th, it was. she was up early every morning, even if she was late to bed the night before. she hated it. all her staff slept in so easily, she was always up so early. her closest associate and best friend in the world, kim jisoo, was the only one who knew about the troubled jennie faced with sleeping. they talked each other through it, and jennie determined that she didn't even feel it was a very big deal at all. just a discomfort. an inconvenience. she felt that way about a lot of things in her career.

she texted jisoo as soon as she woke up, like she always did, partially to let jisoo know she was ready to start the day and partially to make record of what time she was up that morning, and she scrolled through twitter to check her notifications. she saw that a few fans had dmed or tweeted to her a link to a video on youtube and the thumbnail looked cute. a blonde girl in a red sweatshirt, from about an hour ago.

"an hour ago? it's like...6 am right now?"

she watched it and listened to the whole thing, start to finish. she never really listened to her own music but this girl's voice was something else. unmatched in the industry. she had such a unique sound and energy, like she made a hip hop song into an acoustic gem. she never thought "solo" could sound so good.

after she watched the video, she decided to share it with her fans. she had to share it with someone. more importantly, she had to let the singer know that she had seen it. she decided to tweet it, saying only "귀엽다 ~" because, well, the girl in the video at least looked korean, and she hoped she'd be able to speak it too. jennie hoped it would feel more intimate to her that way.

she sent the link to jisoo, saying a few cute words about chaeyoung's video before getting up to shower. she stared at herself in the mirror of the bathroom. more specifically, she stared at her hair. she wanted a change from her brown tone so badly, but her company wouldn't allow it. they didn't want to attract any negative attention, even if jennie had antis lining up to try and say something bad about her as it was already. she laughed and prepared for her shower, thinking about how she was one of the baddest bitches in the industry and nobody could bring her down or derail her success.

she waited for jisoo to arrive at her penthouse like she did every day, drying her hair in the bathroom.

"jennie, let's go get some food. you must be so hungry after doing...what? all day?"

"i've been trying to find this rosé girl all day. i saw her twitter account after she replied to my tweet about her video - she DOES speak korean by the way, i told you - but i don't know much else about her."

"well that must've really worked up your appetite, jendeuk." jisoo stifled a laugh. if she couldn't appreciate anything more about her friendship with one of korea's most famous singers, she could appreciate that they were the kind of friends who could tease each other to no end.

"no, i would say the being up at dawn every day is what really had me hungry. you can pick where we go, i feel too distracted to make decisions."

jisoo picked one of the closest places she could find in google maps - a small place that seemed like it wouldn't be too packed with children or large parties of people - or fans.

they drove in one of the smaller company-supplied cars. one with inconspicuously tinted windows, just in case. jennie had constant anxiety about being stalked or followed back to her private home. she had seen it happen to other artists before and the solitude they spiraled into after the impending paranoia looked like too much for jennie to handle.

they arrived at a small place a little closer to the city, but jennie didn't mind. she loved to get away from the small private neighborhood she lived in, and of course she always trusted jisoo's judgement.

they walked in and were seated very quickly after they walked in, even though the place didn't seem busy at all. they both had coffees and pastries - a simple breakfast to give them energy for the day ahead. even though jennie's days in between releases weren't busy, she still felt like every day was long because she seemed to be up earlier and earlier every morning.

they talked and discussed for about a half hour before the little bell above the restaurant door rang. it was a tiny sound, but enough to catch jennie's attention, and she stopped in the middle of her sentence as she saw the one and only park chaeyoung walk through the door.

"jisoo...go tell that girl to come over here," she said, without looking away from chaeyoung. her seat was on the back wall of the restaurant and it was unlikely that chae would turn to look at her, so the only way to get this girl's attention was to approach her first.

jisoo laughed, knowing exactly who the girl was without even turning to look at her first. she got up and pushed her seat in neatly, mostly because she had no idea how long it would take to get chaeyoung over.

-

she walked over briskly, and stood and smiled at the blonde haired girl. she was cuter in person. and she smiled back. jisoo liked her already, even though she probably should've right when she learned that jennie liked her. she just wanted to be cautious - as a good friend should be.

"if you could come with me for just a moment, it would be much appreciated." jisoo's heart-shaped smile didn't faulter for a second. she felt like keeping the friendly expression would maybe make the girl more inclined to follow her for a moment - albeit a bit creepy.

rosie's smile faded a little, seeing as that was the last thing she expected to hear from this woman - who she thought was her waitress.

"appreciated by who...?" she glanced over at lisa, who was still captivated by the tall, dark-haired girl standing at the head of their table.

jisoo giggled just a little, before nodding and pointing a little tiny, facetious point at jennie in the back.

"her."

rosie's eyes followed the girl's point to see jennie kim sitting at a table in the back of the restaurant. she hadn't even been paying attention - she was scrolling through her phone, maybe pretending to be nonchalant but also possibly really scrolling through twitter.

rosie laughed and looked back at the girl standing in front of her.

"are you being serious? that's...i...how do you know her? is that really, actually, truly, jennie kim? sitting 20 feet away from me?"

jisoo tried not to laugh - she really did - but it was so hard seeing rosie so dumbfounded by jennie's presence.

"it is. i'm jisoo! i'm-"

rosie cut her off after having an "ah ha" moment - she couldn't believe it took her so long to recognize jisoo.

"you're her manager! of course, oh my god!"

she eased herself out of the seat and apologized to lisa, promising she'd only be about a minute.

she walked over to jennie's table, right behind jisoo the whole time, and although jisoo walked briskly and confidently, rosie felt like time was moving in slow motion, like she could feel and hear her heart beating in her chest. she felt like a small child cowering behind her superior - but the adrenaline rushed to her head the minute jennie looked up from her phone and met her eyes.

jennie beamed a bright, gummy smile. it looked so genuine, like she was so pleased to be meeting rosie.

"i'm jennie. i'm your biggest fan."

rosie casually pulled up a chair immediately because she felt her legs buckle beneath her and she couldn't stand for herself to fall over in front of the person she loved most in the world, as if it wasn't embarrassing enough that jennie had already heard her sing.

"i- i'm- i-"

she stumbled over her words as if she was at a loss - she felt like all of the sudden, speaking was so hard, but jennie had stopped her in the midst of her stuttering.

"i know who you are, and i think that sounds creepy but i think i'd like to get to know you."

rosie sat stunned. she nonchalantly pinched herself, to try and wake herself from this dream. it didn't work, so she thought she must not be dreaming.

"should i give you my phone number?"

rosie felt like her own words weren't even her own - like she couldn't recognize her own voice. or her own bravery.

"yes! please!"

jennie seemed so excited by the offer, as if that was all she had wanted but she was too scared to ask for it herself.

rosie scribbled her number on a napkin and bowed briefly to jennie and jisoo, and walked timidly back to lisa, beaming so hard she almost cried.

for the rest of the afternoon, jennie couldn't take her eyes off rosie until she left, and she made a reminder to text her later that day.

jennie had spent the rest of the day with jisoo running errands and participating in meetings regarding a possible comeback. she felt so worn out by the end of the day that she almost felt excited by the feeling of maybe, possibly, finally getting some decent sleep.

several hours into the night, when the clock read 2:46 am and jennie still hadn't fallen asleep, she pulled up rosie's video on her phone and listened to it as she laid awake in bed, hoping it could at least calm her down enough that she could rest her eyes.

it did, and she fell asleep that night.


	2. 베프

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> jennie faces a difficult time following a day out with chaeng, and it dredges up some bad memories for chaeyoung.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so i know i said this version will have a different ending and title than the version i was writing on wattpad but uh i decided nevermind so this is gonna be the exact same version as wp so ignore that hehe....  
> also again like with the last chapter pls excuse any typos....it's almost 4 in the morning for me and i do not feel like going through to edit in depth, as bad of a writer as that might make me.

jennie laid awake in bed the next morning, staring at the time on her phone. it was 9:00 am, the latest she'd slept in in a long time.

she rubbed her eyes and sat on the edge of her bed. the morning was quiet; almost too quiet. there was no text from chaeyoung even though they had exchanged numbers. there was no message from jisoo about the day's schedule. she couldn't even hear birds outside. she felt the carpet beneath her feet as she stood up.

she walked outside to her balcony and overlooked the streets of seoul; busy and loud and full of life, even at 9 in the morning. she felt so isolated from the city even though she could see it from her balcony. but still, as isolated as she felt, she felt better knowing that chaeyoung was somewhere in the city she looked over.

she stared at herself in the bathroom mirror for a while, watching her vision blur out of focus and back into focus as she moved her face closer and further away to and from the mirror. she sighed and rinsed her face, despite feeling already refreshed from getting decent sleep for the first time in years.

as she felt the cold water on her skin, she heard her phone go off from her bedroom and almost hit her head on the faucet as she rushed to dry off and check her text. to her anticipation, it was chaeyoung.

chae: hey, is this jennie?

jennie: yes, hello! how are you?

chae: i'm great! thank you for your number, i'm excited to work with you:)

jennie: i'm really glad to hear it, i haven't spoken to jisoo yet about arrangements but i'm sure she'd like to have a meeting with you to discuss a collaboration. are you free any time soon for that?

chae: yes!! of course! i'm free pretty much any day and time, although i'm not a morning person so maybe in the afternoon? unless you're a morning person, then of course i can meet whenever you want to!

jennie tried not to laugh at how eager chaeyoung sounded, and even though they were only texting, she could still somehow hear her voice.

jennie: i'll let jisoo know :) thank you for your enthusiasm! i look forward to working with you in the future, chaeyoung.

although it was hard to talk to chae professionally rather than as a friend, she knew they'd soon develop a relationship where they could be casual around each other like jennie could be with jisoo. she hoped, at least.

jennie immediately called jisoo and let her know to arrange a day for chaeyoung to come and meet with them, and she made it a point to have the meeting scheduled for the afternoon. "chaeyoung isn't a morning person."

-

chaeyoung had so much trouble sleeping the night she got home, but she had even more trouble trying to comprehend the day's events. she had jennie kim's phone number, written down on a paper cafe napkin. it didn't feel like real life. everything that was happening to her felt like it would all turn out to be some kind of massive joke.

she texted lisa, even though it was late at night. lisa had dance classes almost every day, and she was rarely up past 11 pm. she had such a rare, incredible talent and her modesty and humility never ceased to amaze chaeyoung. she didn't want to be famous for dancing; she just wanted to do what she loved no matter whether or not she was famous for it.

lisa replied within the hour, and chaeng and lisa talked for a while before lisa decided to sleep.

lisa: did you text her yet?

chae: no, what would i even say? especially this late at night? i doubt she'd even awake.

lisa: well you doubted i was awake and we're talking now aren't we?

chae: yeah but that's totally different. how am i supposed to talk to jennie freaking kim at 12:30 in the morning?

lisa: maybe a 'hello' would be a good way to start?

chae: omg shut up

lisa: text her in the morning, just so she knows you have her number

chae: good idea. it doesn't have to be a big conversation, i'll just let her know i have her number.

lisa: i am so full of good ideas

chae: i guess so

lisa: it was my idea to go to that cafe! and who happened to be there? jennie

chae: ok genius it was also your idea to adopt that ugly cat

lisa: leo is not ugly!!!!!! he's just...ok yeah he's ugly but he's my baby. anyway leave me ALONE i'm going to bed !

after lisa went to sleep, chae scrolled through jennie's fancams on twitter. she almost didn't even seem like the same person she had met that day. how likely was it that she had gotten this woman's phone number before even seeing her in concert?

she fell asleep listening to 'solo' - the same song she had covered that got her in this situation in the first place. it had a whole new meaning to her now, she didn't think she could ever forget.

the next morning she woke up around 10:00. it felt so good to sleep in, even if she was still up earlier than normal. she brushed her teeth and washed her face and sat on her couch, staring at the napkin with jennie's number on it. she had even done her signature under the number, as if chae would somehow forget whose phone number it was.

she spent about 20 minutes even trying to figure out what to send, and she settled on a simple, "hey, is this jennie?"

-

lisa: you really are gonna have a meeting with them? like a professional meeting?

chae: i think so? she said she'd be in contact

lisa: holy shit chaeng

chae: i know....i just know i'm gonna stumble or embarrass myself when i go

lisa: oh yeah for sure

chae rolled her eyes and laughed, and as she finished her conversation with lisa, she realized that she had no 'professional' looking outfits to wear to her meeting with jennie and jisoo. which worried her, a lot.

she grabbed her keys and headed out to the city and decided to try one of the more high-end, expensive shops to find a nice outfit. she wanted to look good for jennie.

about half an hour into shopping around, she still hadn't found an outfit she thought would be good enough. a store clerk had asked if she needed assistance and all chaeng told her was that she needed an outfit to "make a good first impression." the clerk gladly picked out several outfits including dresses, a suit, and a romper.

chae had struck out on all the outfits so far, she almost didn't even want to try on the last one but she did anyway. she didn't want to discourage the clerk.

the last outfit was a dress with a plunging v-neck that exposed cleavage chaeyoung hadn't ever shown off. she appreciated that the clerk thought she could pull it off, but chae's inner church-girl got the better of her and she didn't think it would be a good fit. not professionally, at least.

she admired how sparkly it was, and she thought the silver suited her well. she looked at the dress in the mirror a little longer than she had for the other outfits, and wasn't paying attention when jennie walked over to her from across the store.

"it seems like we keep running into each other," she said. chae all but whipped her head in jennie's direction, and as soon as it registered in her mind that jennie was seeing her in that dress, she turned bright red. jennie smiled her shiny, gummy smile and looked at chae's reflection in the mirror.

"i think it suits you well," she said as she turned back to chaeyoung. her voice seemed lower now, almost like a whisper, and chae forgot how to act. "oh yeah, uh well yeah i uh- i'm just uh, you know shoping around. i don't think i'll get it."

she avoided eye contact by any means because she knew that once she looked into jennie's eyes, she wouldn't be able to look away. that's how it is with people you idolize.

"why not? miss chaeyoung, you do not know how to shop if you're not buying that dress." jennie turned her attention to the store clerk and smiled, saying "anything she wants to get, you can put on my bill. chae, let's try on some more, yes?"

chaeyoung tried to contain her excitement, and she mumbled a quick yes before going back to the dressing room to change out of the dress. she made a note to herself to avoid mentioning that she was there to find something for their meeting. she wanted to seem casual.

she spent the entire afternoon shopping around with jennie, but she had forgotten how nervous she felt and by the end of the day, they were both so comfortable around each other that they felt just like close friends.

jennie and chaeyoung were standing up by the front register as jennie paid for chaeyoung's clothes, and as soon as they were about to leave chaeyoung stopped to say, "i promise i'll pay you back as soon as i can, i know how much this was and-"

jennie stopped her before she could finish. "you don't have to, i promise. it was a privilege to be able to spend the day with you, and don't worry about the meeting. i'll text you as soon as i know when it'll be, okay?" chaeyoung felt so insecure in jennie's gaze, but so cared for and comforted at the same time. "okay. thank you, very much."

chaeyoung watched jennie walk to her car, and they both left at the same time. when chaeyoung got home, she saw that she had a text from jennie.

jennie: are you free friday at 1:00 pm?

she texted back immediately saying yes, and then immediately texted lisa.

chae: you'll never guess who i ran into when shopping today

lisa: it wasn't jennie was it

chae: it was jennie

lisa: no fucking way lmao

chae: she bought me clothes

lisa: oh no she bought you clothes

chae: i felt like a helpless puppy....like no i couldn't have afforded all that myself anyway but it's not like she knew that?

lisa: she probably did know that

chae: yeah probably

lisa: did she buy you sexy clothes?

chae: ...define sexy

lisa: like....NOT clothes you'd wear to church

chae: shut up

lisa: you shut up church girl

lisa: okay but sexy like, cleavage, short, revealing, etc?

chae: there was this one dress i was wearing when she saw me, it was a sparkly silver plunge dress and it was...kinda short

lisa: oh my godsldksldklsdk what did she have to say about it when she saw you in it? anything?

chae: yeah she leaned in and told me it suits me well

lisa: SHUT UP SHE DID NOT

chae: SHE DID

lisa: do we know if jennie's into girls because....i think she is

chae: SHUT

chae: omg no seriously don't even joke ab that you know my parents could never...

lisa: like they'd even know

chae: like i'd even have a CHANCE if she was into girls

lisa: true you've struck out with like everyone

chae: i should've seen that coming

lisa: are YOU even into girls???

chae: i don't know, i don't think so

lisa: guess we'll find out ;)

-

jennie was wide awake that night in bed, nothing aside from the usual but tonight in particular was one she wanted to sleep through. tomorrow was thursday, and then after thursday was friday; the next time she'd see chaeyoung. as tired as she felt, she couldn't fall asleep. she didn't possess the ability.

she went through chaeyoung's youtube channel again, just like the previous night, and she listened to another one of her singing videos. just like the night before, it helped her sleep. chae's voice soothed her nerves because it was so soft and sweet. it reminded jennie of how a marshmallow might sound, or cotton candy. she didn't even enjoy sweets much, but chaeyoung's voice practically gave her a cavity.

she woke up the next morning feeling well rested. the time was around 10:00 when she woke up, even later than yesterday's morning, and she texted jisoo. she didn't have much scheduled for the day besides a fansign in the city, which her staff would take her to. she loved fansigns more than almost anything else in her career. she loved the intimacy with her fans, being able to meet so many at a time.

she picked a casual outfit, something cute but comfortable because she knew how much her fansites loved her fashion. jisoo rode with her to the fansign even though jennie advised that she take the day off. even though jisoo was one of jennie's managers, it hardly ever felt like it. the two had been best friends for as long as they could remember, but jisoo didn't want to debut as an idol. she figured that working alongside her closest friend was the next best thing.

shortly before they arrived at the venue for jennie's fansign, jisoo found an article online with photos of jennie from the day before.

"you went shopping with chaeyoung?"

"it was kind of on accident. she happened to be at the shop i walked into and i couldn't just avoid her."

jisoo showed jennie one of the photos under the article. it was a photo taken from outside the shop window, from the moment jennie had leaned in to tell rosie about how the silver dress suited her. it was made out to look more intimate than it was.

"jisoo, what are you trying to say? or ask? nothing happened, it's not like we kissed or were out on a date."

"well that's what they're making it look like, jennie. you know how homophobic knets can be, especially if the media tries to make this look like that kind of situation."

jennie sighed and looked away from jisoo. it's not like she had feelings for chaeyoung. it's not like chaeyoung was even into girls. right?

"what am i supposed to do? they have to believe that this is bullshit. my entire staff is made up of women, i spend all day every day around them and you so why is it just now that they're trying to make it look like i'm interested in women?" jennie hated being frustrated around jisoo, especially about work-related situations, and she tried to calm herself down to avoid a stress-induced argument right before a fan event.

"they haven't done this before because this is the first time you've spent a day outside of work with a friend who doesn't work for you. you're a workaholic, jennie. all you ever do is focus on your career, so now that you're taking time for yourself with this girl you just met, they want to jump to conclusions. it helps them earn money because it's a good story, even if it's not there. it's journalism. just ignore it, but be careful. i don't want you to get hurt."

jennie said nothing more the rest of the ride to the venue. she didn't know what to say. she wanted to text chaeyoung to ask if she had seen the article or the photos, but she didn't feel ready for that kind of conversation. much less, that kind of conversation with chaeyoung.

-

chaeyoung and lisa decided to spend the day in itaewon together at 남산공원 (namsan park), where they used to spend a lot of time together.

she spent all day off her phone because she wanted to enjoy the day, but after a couple hours at the park, her and lisa decided to get food together before they went home. chaeyoung checked her phone on their way back to yongsan-dong, and she noticed two missed calls from a number she hadn't recognized.

she called the number back, assuming it might be about a job she applied for, but when the other line picked up, it was jisoo.

"chaeyoung?"

"yes?"

"this is jisoo, i'm with jennie at her fansign in yeongdeungpo and, just- just, there's something that's come up, and she's asking for you."

chaeyoung's heart started to beat a little faster, she began to feel a little panicky, worrying something was wrong with jennie.

"is everything alright?"

"how soon can you get here? are you nearby?"

chaeyoung was worried about abandoning lisa. she felt like ever since she became affiliated with jennie, she spent less time with her.

"just a minute."

she held the phone to her shoulder so she could talk to lisa for a second, about going to meet jennie even though they made plans to get food.

"don't worry chae, if you want you can call me when you're done and i can pick you up and we can get dinner?"

chaeyoung told jisoo she would be there in about half an hour, and lisa quickly drove her to the venue in yeongdeungpo where jisoo was waiting a bit anxiously for her outside.

chaeyoung was rushed backstage, past crowds of fans there to see jennie. chaeyoung wasn't focused on the fans, not when she was worried so much about jennie, but she couldn't help notice the mass worry radiating from the crowd. she walked a little faster, ignoring calls made out to her from the crowd.

jisoo called to jennie, and chaeyoung walked over to see jennie looking upset.

she looked back and forth between jennie and jisoo before asking jennie what was wrong.

"chaeyoung i'm so sorry i didn't know who else to call but i needed you here and i-" she was cut off by a sob stuck in her throat like a piece of gum she had accidentally swallowed. she turned, teary-eyed, to chae, and asked her about the articles.

"what articles?" chaeyoung turned to jisoo, who pulled up the article she had shown jennie earlier. chae read the whole thing and saw the photos and she stumbled over her words trying to explain to jisoo.

"i didn't have anything to do w-"

"we know chae, that's not it."

chaeyoung felt confused, but she wanted to give jennie the benefit of the doubt before assuming the worst. was being seen spending time with her really so awful?

"i've already met about 50 fans and every single one of them asked me if i'm gay, or if i'm dating you, or if i'm interested in girls, and-" she tried to slow herself down and get her breathing under control because the media would swarm her like flies if she had an anxiety attack.

"it's just a lot for her to handle. a lot of scrutiny. she hasn't faced something like this before," jisoo explained. "i know how this may seem to you, it's not that she's so afraid of being seen with you, it's just..." jisoo's voice trailed off and she turned her gaze to jennie, who was now calm enough to speak for herself.

"i feel like i've faced so much struggle with trying to...figure myself out. i've felt interested in girls before, but being an idol has prevented me from dating one. i can't date, and i haven't been able to explore those feelings and because of that, i faced so much anxiety and stress. i even developed insomnia, it's just been so difficult on me and i finally got past it all just a couple months ago. but now with the article, and all my fans asking about it..." silent tears rolled down her face, and past her trembling lips from which words couldn't escape.

chae fought past tears, because even though she didn't want to tread on jennie's difficulties, she knew exactly what jennie was describing. she knew exactly what she was saying without her even having to say it. jennie felt all the anxiety of identifying herself coming back because of chaeyoung.

jisoo walked out to the stage and announced to the crowd that jennie was feeling a bit unwell but they would soon continue the event. chae sat with jennie backstage for a while and just held her as she waited out her anxiety, hoping it would pass.

when jennie confirmed she felt alright to continue, jisoo escorted chaeyoung through the exit in the back of the venue.

"why does it have to be like this?" chae asked. mostly rhetorically, but also she hoped secretly that jisoo could provide some kind of logical explanation to make her feel better. "it's not like we're dating, yet i still have to sneak out through the back exit."

"ever since jennie debuted, she's faced such difficulty with self-image. dealing with such deep-rooted personal issues like sexual identity only made it worse, and now it's all rushing back to her because of the article." jisoo noticed chaeyoung's expression, she looked like she felt guilty, so jisoo was quick to add "it isn't your fault. it couldn't be."

chaeyoung nodded, and said goodbye before walking out to where lisa was waiting for her in her car. lisa smiled from behind the wheel, but chae pretended not to see. her mind was rushing with a million thoughts every second, her heart was beating so hard in her chest with feelings of guilt and confusion and sadness, she felt responsible for jennie's anxiety.

chaeyoung felt even worse imagining what the struggle must feel like as an idol. jennie was forced to maintain a certain image for the sake of her career and her company, almost like she wasn't allowed to face these kinds of issues.

chaeyoung grew up with a heteronormative lifestyle. she was raised with christian parents, she attended church every week, and was set up with boys from her same service. romantic interest in girls hadn't been a thought in her mind until she started highschool and realized that homosexuality even existed.

when she first developed feelings for a girl, she hated herself. she felt so abnormal, like she wasn't even a real person. like she wasn't a valid person. she forced herself to stop thinking that way because she knew her parents would never support her living that way. she developed so much anxiety because of how self critical she was, just like jennie. she had nobody to turn to for the longest time, just like jennie. and she had forgotten all about it until that moment with her. seeing the look in jennie's eyes of pure panic made chae feel like she was in highschool again, just for a second.

she sat down in the passenger seat of lisa's car and started sobbing as soon as the car door shut. lisa held her, as best as she could from the other seat anyway, and once chae had calmed down, they drove to one of their favorite restaurants and had lunch together.

-

it was past 3 in the morning and jennie couldn't sleep. she was awake in bed, like normal, but instead of listening to chaeng's voice, she decided to try and talk to her.

jennie: hey, i know you're asleep

jennie: i'm sorry about today, i shouldn't have sprung all that on you.

jennie: i'll see you tomorrow, bepeu.


	3. 여친

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rosé has her big meeting with jennie and jisoo to discuss her future with the company and as an idol.

4:30 am

jennie: jisoo

jennie: cancel everything for tomorrow

jennie: i don't remember or care

jennie: can't do anything tomorrow

7:00 am

jisoo: jennie

jisoo: jendeuk

jisoo: deukie i'm coming over right now

jennie: i'm up

jennie: did you cancel everything?

jisoo: no? you have a meeting with chaeyoung today

jennie: jisoo i can't face her today, not after what happened yesterday

jisoo: what happened to this being a professional meeting? did you throw that out the window?

jennie: no i threw any chance of normalcy with chaeyoung out the window. that's the problem. i fucked up.

jisoo: i doubt she sees it that way.

jisoo: just get dressed and we can figure it out when i get there. you have 7 hours until the meeting anyway.

-

10:00 am

chaeng: lisa

chaeng: LISAYAAAA

chaeng: lili

lisa: ????? chaeng its so early wtf

chaeng: my meeting with jennie is today in 4 hours

lisa: oh fuck lmao

lisa: ur still going?

chaeng: what am i supposed to do? not go?

lisa: uh

lisa: ...yeah?

chaeng: what

lisa: i mean idk what happened between you two yesterday but the fact that you had a breakdown in my car right after coming back from seeing her doesn't exactly tell me it was a good time

chaeng: that was different

chaeng: she didn't do that to me

lisa: well if you say so but...idk if you think it'll happen again i would avoid her

chaeng: i guess i'll go to the meeting then

lisa: good luck

lisa: i'll be over to help pick your outfit soon

chaeng: aww. i thought you'd never offer

lisa: don't come at me with that shit i know u would've dragged my ass over there to watch u try on clothes regardless

chaeng: and what about it.

lisa: i hate u. see u soon.

-

1:00 pm

"jennie, it'll be fine. you know how determined she is to start a career at the company. she'll be professional if you be professional."

jennie sighed, holding her head in her hands. jisoo was right. all she needed to do was act professional and not let her breakdown from yesterday interfere. i mean, how hard can it be? she does it for her fans daily. what difference does rosie make?

"i guess i should get ready."

"i guess you should."

-

chae poked her head out from her closet and frowned at lisa, who was hardly paying attention to the outfits she modeled.

"lisa, i asked you here to help me pick something to wear!!!"

lisa just laughed and looked at chae from behind her phone for a brief moment.

"i know!! but i don't know what to tell you! they all look good."

chae grumbled as she returned back to the inside of her closet. "they might look good, but good enough for jennie freaking kim?" she sighed and tried to remember some of her favorite outfits of jennie's. maybe she could pick something that matched her style. personality mirroring is the most affectionate form of flattery.

she picked a minimal yet classy outfit and sat at a small mirror on her desk to do her makeup. she used some light bb cream to even her complexion and put in some simple eyeshadow; a light shimmery peach color. it reminded of her of the spring, her favorite season. the cherry blossoms that bloomed made her feel so nostalgic, all the memories she had of when she first moved to korea from australia. the cherry blossoms were the first thing she noticed.

as she finished her makeup and double, triple, and quadruple checked her outfit, she texted jisoo to ask if jennie was ready for the meeting.

-

jisoo sighed as her phone buzzed with a new text from chaeyoung. the time was now 1:30, meaning they had a half hour until the meeting began.

"jennie, chae's already finished getting ready." she tapped on the bathroom door a couple times to get jennie's attention. on the other side of the door, jennie was sitting on the tile floor, still unprepared. she had gone to brush her teeth and wash her face, but got lost in her thoughts and slumped down onto the cold tile. she felt so small sitting on the floor of such a big bathroom. sometimes she wondered what she could possibly do with so much space.

"yeah...." she mumbled.

she opened the door to see jisoo standing in the doorway holding an americano for jennie to drink quickly before chae got there.

"this should give you energy." she looked jennie up and down. "you're gonna need it." she extended her hand holding the coffee to jennie with a smile, and jennie accepted the warm cup groggily.

"i'll be getting dressed now," she mumbled. jisoo half-smiled at jennie's sleepy voice. it felt so comforting to hear jennie genuinely tired, it had meant she actually got some sleep the night before. that was always a good sign. 

-

chaeyoung arrived very shortly after jennie had her espresso fix, and jennie greeted her with a smile that she pleaded with all her might didn't look as forced as it was.

chaeyoung bowed her head to jennie and greeted her, and was shown inside to where the meeting would be held.

jisoo grinned upon seeing chaeyoung, and welcomed her as if she were an old friend.

"let's just get right to it," jisoo said, not wasting any time. "we want you under this entertainment company."

rosie tried not to smile so big, but it was obvious that she couldn't contain her excitement. especially hearing that from THE kim jisoo. this was the kind of meeting she could only dream about as a child, but there she was now experiencing this conversation in all its glory. 

"i'd love to be under this company as well."

they discussed all the technical stuff, they told rosie she wouldn't have to relocate as the company was based in seoul, etc.

"it is a full time job, though. one of the biggest factors of taking you into consideration is your availability." 

"i'm fully available," rosie said without a second thought. she didn't take school or her family in australia into consideration, but she dismissed it and told herself she'd figure it out when the time came.

jennie smiled at her. "that's good, then. i think one of your first projects as an idol will be a collaboration with me."

rosie stared blankly. "don't you think it seems soon to discuss my projects as an idol? i'm sure i'd need months of training before debut, at the very least..."

jisoo pulled her phone out as she stood up from the table. "i'll schedule you an audition, rosie. you're guaranteed a spot in the company already, but we just wanna see if there's any areas that call for improvement. chances are, you won't be a trainee for more than a month, if even that."

rosie nodded as jisoo left the room to make a call. she could feel the heavy tension in the room when it was just her and jennie, it was like a light had gone out when jisoo walked away. all the comfort that accompanied her presence was replaced by a cold uncertainty. all the things she and jennie hadn't said to each other lingered like dust in the air between them.

"rosie..." jennie started softly, wanting to slowly break the silence as if she were gently slicing through it with one of those fancy knives used for cutting desserts.

"i really want to make this work. i know things between us have been complex, like there's been mishaps and discrepancies, especially the last time we saw each other. i know that was something you probably thought a lot about before coming here, and honestly i didn't even think you'd show considering how our last meeting went."

rosie sighed. she knew jennie meant well, but her biggest fear about working under her was that she'd be nothing more than a shoulder to cry on when the going got tough. she wanted this career to prove something about herself, that she had everything it took and more to be a star. she promised herself she wouldn't go back to australia until she could make it work. she finally had the chance to make it work, and the last thing she wanted was to be jennie's doormat.

"i want it to go well between us, but i want to make something clear as well. i'm signing to this company because it's the opportunity of a lifetime, and this is exactly what i need to put my career on the path i've sought after for years. i know i was starstruck at first, but now that i feel like we can be casual friends, i also want to be professional colleagues. i just don't want it to be uncomfortable."

rosie stopped for a minute, as if to let the effect of her words sink in and absorb before she continued. "i know how hard it can get, but i also know that i can't imagine what it's like to be in your shoes. i feel for you jennie, i want to be able to help you, but i don't want to let it trample my career in the process. i'm sorry."

jennie was silent for what felt like a long time. rosie found herself wondering where jisoo was, hoping she'd come back to separate the tension because it was only getting worse. tighter. like rosie was about to suffocate.

"i agree." jennie didn't have to say much, rosie had said essentially everything jennie was thinking, and now she had no thoughts left to articulate. the room felt so isolated and quiet, that jennie's words sliced through the air, reminiscent of an icicle.

it was now that jisoo walked back into the room, smiling. "your audition will be the day after tomorrow, if that works for you."

rosie smiled at her. "of course it works, i'll be there."

jisoo showed her out and wished her safe travels home, and by now it was 4 in the afternoon. "looks like that americano didn't help you well. you didn't even have the energy to talk to her? that whole time? i really carried this meeting. maybe you were right, you shouldn't have come."

jennie fought back tears, but not because she was sad. she had never felt more frustrated in her life.

"how am i supposed to talk to her if every time i do i feel like crying? i feel like the whole time i've known her, i've been projecting my troubles onto her like it's her job to fix me and it's not. i know that all she associates me with is how i'm constantly breaking down and stressed and that's not who i am but i can't change how she sees me."

jennie stopped to take a breath, because she was worried she might choke on her words if she didn't pause and let herself breathe.

"we talked while you were on the phone." her voice was deeper now; calmer. she wasn't venting anymore so much as just explaining. "we agreed to keep things professional. but i could tell by what she said that she just feels like she's my shoulder to cry on. i can't believe i let her feel like that."

jennie choked on sobs, not wanting to cry but not being able to hold back. jisoo sat beside her and comforted her as best as she could.

"you can't change how she sees you, you're right. but you can give her the opportunity to see that you're more than your problems. there are so many sides to you, jennie. show them to her. as you two work together more, you'll see that she has sides like the one she's seen of you. she will break down and be stressed, and you're gonna be her shoulder to cry on too. but that's not such a bad thing if it means you get to help a friend."

jennie slowed her breathing and nodded. jisoo was right. jennie was such an energetic, down to earth person. she didn't want rosie to associate her with her mental health struggles. she was more than that, as jisoo had said.

-

chae got home and went straight to her room and crashed on her bed. she felt so tired, and she rubbed her eyes so hard she saw stars.

5:00 pm

rosie: lisa come over im hungry

lisa: ...r u gonna eat me

rosie: gross no come over so we can order food

lisa: i wouldn't be gross :/

rosie: do u want me to eat without you bc i will

lisa: omw omw omw omw

lisa arrived at rosie's house just a few minutes later, and they ordered a pizza together.

"how was your thing?" lisa was too focused on the food to even remember specifically what rosie's thing was. how is it that i'm so hungry when all i've done today is play with leo? she thought. she shrugged to herself and picked up a slice of pizza.

"it kinda sucked. i mean it didn't, i got an audition and jisoo said i'm guaranteed a spot in the company, but jennie...we only got a couple minutes to talk and i feel like i was harsh. i said that i just wanted our relationship to be professional, like of course i wanna be her friend but i don't wanna be her therapist. i want to be friends like you and i are, you know? like i don't want to be the kinda person she vents to but ignores the rest of the time. does that make sense or am i just on crack?"

lisa sighed, knowing she'd have to fuck jennie up if things between them continued like this.

"yeah i get it. honestly i'm glad you didn't let that get in the way of your career, that shows how determined you are to create music. please don't let jennie get in the way, i know she'll be around all the time but you can't let her be the reason you stop pursuing what you love. i'm proud of you chaeyoungie."

rosie smiled at lisa, and they put on a movie.

-

jennie laid awake that night, same as every night, wide awake in bed at 2 in the morning. she stared at the ceiling, then turned onto her side and stared at the wall her bed was against. she sighed and shut her eyes, which did her absolutely no good.

she opened youtube on her phone and put her earbuds in, listening to one of rosie's songs to soothe her to sleep. it seemed to be the only thing that could help her clear her mind and forget about all the things she had jumbled up in her head.

she woke the next morning with another song still playing. she found that she had gone through an entire playlist of her songs a few times. she saw the time was 9 in the morning, which felt so good. she never got good sleep - or any sleep - unless she listened to rosie's voice.

she texted jisoo.

9:03 am

jennie: anything on the schedule today?

jisoo: nope, you have a day off :)

jennie: really?

jisoo: yeah, why?

jennie: i thought i'd have something to do. i feel like i need to be kept busy, you know? like a distraction.

jisoo: i think the choreographer is in the studio today if you want a dance practice?

jennie: that would be really nice actually, i can call him myself:)

jisoo: okay! have fun, don't overwork yourself.

jennie called the choreographer and set up a session for a few hours to keep herself busy and active. she didn't know what she'd do without something to get her out of the house.

"hey jennie!" he greeted her excitedly as she arrived at the studio. "so what's on the agenda today? dance practice, new choreo...?"

"actually," jennie said, pulling out her phone. "i wanna choreograph a dance to this song. it's a bit different from what we normally do, but i wanna try something new."

she started playing one of rosie's songs and let the choreographer listen. she could already see the ideas flowing through his head.

the first thing he asked her when the song was finished was, "what made you want to dance to this?"

jennie thought for a minute. she didn't expect to be asked that.

"the girl who wrote and sang this is gonna be working under this company starting tomorrow, her and i have a bit of a past, i guess."

"like, a romantic past?"

jennie laughed. she felt flattered that her choreographer, marc, even thought she was good enough for rosie. if only, she thought. in my dreams.

"no, more like me finding her music on youtube and talking to her on twitter. apparently she was a big fan of my music, so i kinda took her under my wing. something like that."

marc pretended not to notice how she blushed profusely while she talked about rosé.

"hopefully i can choreograph for her sometime. or maybe for a collab between you two." he smiled at jennie, and they got started on a dance to rosie's song.

-

10:00 am

jisoo: hey, so i confirmed the time for your audition tomorrow. it's scheduled for 12 pm.

rosie: that sounds perfect, thank you:)

jisoo: of course! i'm excited to see what you're capable of. honestly, you probably won't even need to train. you'll probably be able to debut right away.

rosie was shocked to hear that, she was positive she'd need months as a trainee before she'd be allowed to work with jennie.

rosie: i'll see you tomorrow jisoo!

-

"jennie, i'd like it if you could come watch chaeyoung's audition tomorrow."

jisoo stood in the doorway of jennie's bedroom at 9:00 on the morning of rosie's audition.

"you're really just trying to humiliate me at this point."

jennie sat up in bed, shocked that she slept this late yet again.

sleep was always such a touchy subject for her. something she chased constantly but could never quite reach. at least, not until she discovered rosie. 

as an idol, who's constantly working hard physically and mentally to write, produce, and perform music, not to mention to choreograph most of her own dances, you'd think sleep is the kind of thing she relies on heavily.

she developed insomnia from a young age, and it's followed her around her entire life since then. nothing she tried helped, and with her busy life as an idol, she didn't have the time for extensive treatment programs.

everything changed when rosé became a part of her life. rosé's voice was so smooth. when jennie closed her eyes to absorb the sound as she laid in bed, she pictured the silky flow of a chocolate fountain, or the glassy complexion of a snowy colored porcelain doll. and before she knew it, she'd be asleep.

"you can't fall asleep to her voice every night but want nothing to do with her. you can't beg me to let her work here and then expect me to let you avoid her."

jisoo rarely got stern with jennie but when she did, she was always right.

"you're right. i'll be there."

"i know i'm right," jisoo said as she turned to leave.  
"i'm glad chaeyoung seems to help your insomnia."


	4. 새로운

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> rosie has her audition and jennie finally begins to come around to the idea of getting close to her.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> sorry for such infrequent updates!!! if u ever get bored in between updates and want me to upload quicker feel free to remind me on twitter (@jisseuigi) because sometimes i forget to work on this AU and months go by.....  
> also usually i italicize character thoughts but i’m on mobile rn and can’t do that so sorry in advance TT
> 
> enjoy !

새로운

rosie: i'm scared

lisa: why

lisa: just go and sing for them like you sing for youtube

rosie: what if you were dancing for like...marc tran. what would u do then.

lisa: ....

lisa: ok so take a xanax

rosie: u r no help

rosie tossed her phone onto her bed and sighed. she held a pale, shaky hand above her face, and tried to control the movement, to no avail. it'll be fine, she thought. it’s just jennie.

she got dressed and waited for the driver from YGENT to drive her to her eagerly awaited audition. a driver was there within minutes, and rosie sighed as she got inside.

the drive felt like it took ages, as if the driver had taken the long way on purpose. just to antagonize her. that's something lisa would do, she thought. she laughed softly to herself from the backseat. when they finally arrived outside YGENT, the driver turned around and wished her a sweet "good luck" before she left, which made her smile. the driver offered a genuine smile back, and rosie headed inside.

the receptionist greeted her, and rang jisoo on the phone to let her know their eagerly awaited auditioner was here. within seconds, jisoo had come down the elevator ready to take rosie upstairs to an audition room. once they entered, jisoo sat at a long table with two other people, who looked frighteningly professional, and assured rosie that she had no need to be nervous. rosie believed her, feeling like she shouldn’t be worried, but she noticed that jennie was nowhere to be seen. i thought she’d be here. 

you wouldn’t be saying that if you were in my shoes, she thought. it was so hard to stand here for her role models and try to impress them. but she did anyway.

-

jennie paced back and forth in her living room. she didn’t show up for rosie’s audition like she promised. she couldn’t. how could she? yeah, it’s okay that i can’t. i just can’t and that’s it. i just need space... she paced rapidly, needing to busy her idle body. she absentmindedly teethed at a fingernail, waiting for a call or a text from jisoo, or from rosie, or from anyone. someone. anyone, please.

she tried sending good energy rosie’s way, hoping that she was blowing the judges minds. jisoo was easy to impress, and she loved rosie already, but rosie needed to do more than woo jisoo to get into YGE. jennie considered all the possibilities that would be made available if rosie was accepted as a trainee. she’d probably be able to debut right away, she has all the skill she needs, she’s extremely talented...extremely beautiful...sweet, caring, kind...

jennie stopped her mind from wandering. you can’t fucking do this. if rosie’s gonna work under you, you can’t be like that. even if she wasn’t...you can’t be like that. jennie forced her train of thought to a halt and allowed her mind to wander elsewhere. far, far elsewhere. she doodled on the palm of her hand with a ballpoint pen, now sitting at her tiny kitchen table. she couldn’t find a way to occupy her needy hands. her hands that needed so desperately to do something. her mind, heart, and soul that needed to feel something.

she was yanked from her thoughts by a text tone that she practically ran to check on. it was from jisoo, saying to talk to rosie.

jennie: how did it go?

jisoo: i said talk to HER

jennie: but i can talk to you instead…

jisoo: you need to learn to communicate with yge’s newest trainee. you’re not very good at this.

jennie: so she’s in?

jisoo: yes, we think she’s ready to debut as soon as possible.

jennie: oh my god that’s amazing

jennie: have you told her yet?

jisoo: not yet, we’ll contact her with the news after we’ve processed her info.

jennie: okay...i’ll congratulate her later.

jisoo: do it in person! i’ll let you know when we email her, you can congratulate her and go get drinks or something.

jennie sighed and set her phone down on the table. what could she possibly do? she wanted to be close with rosie so bad...but she felt entirely incapable of opening up to someone. she needed to work on it. she would work on it. she promised, didn’t she?

-

rosie felt herself shaking the entire ride home, despite feeling confident in her audition. she ignored it as best as she could, she hated the idea of not passing her audition. even though i did, she thought. right?

\- 

running, running running running falling falling falling falling...where am i? i’m choking...i need air where the fuck am i please god i need air  
where’s rosie  
please  
why can’t you hear me?

jennie woke up in a cold sweat, feeling like she had been holding her breath and could now finally breathe. the clock read 6:00 am, and it was still dark out, although it wouldn’t be for long.

she walked to her kitchen as the light timidly peeked into her apartment from outside, and she downed some cold water to refresh herself. she breathed deeply, standing over the sink. she felt so lost in this moment. torn between how she felt. she stood in front of the window and watched the sun come up, realizing today she had the day off. at least now i have all day to wallow in self pity. around 7:00 am, she got a call from jisoo.

“just delivered the great news,” she said. “take her out to celebrate, or something.”

-

rosie could hardly sleep all night. kept awake by nerves, excitement, and thoughts about jennie, she felt like sleep was so far out of her grasp that she didn’t realize how long she had been up until she saw sunlight behind her curtain. she tried to distract herself with mindless tasks so that hopefully, she could pass the time a little better. she went through her closet and rearranged clothes, she cleaned out her kitchen, she washed dishes, but to no avail. soon enough it was 7:00 am when she got an email. it was from YGE.

she sat down and breathed deeply before opening it. this is it, i guess… she opened the email and sighed heavily with relief. she had passed her audition.

rosie: LISA

lisa: DID U MAKE IT IN

rosie: YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

lisa: OH MY GODDDDDD

lisa: so when are u gonna invite me to dance with u in a practice room

rosie: what about saturday

lisa: wait for real

rosie: yes i can pick u up !!!!!!

lisa: UR THE BEST I LOVE YOU

rosie smiled, satisfied and still a little surprised. she was pulled from her thoughts when someone knocked on the door, which felt so odd to hear. she couldn’t even fathom who it could be. 

she walked to answer the door and almost gasped when she saw jennie standing there.

“we need to talk.”

-

jisoo sat in her office, absentmindedly clicking a pen. why is it so hard for jennie to communicate? to interact with other people? she partially blamed herself, all this time they had been best friends before jennie’s debut, only for business to seem to get in the way. jisoo insisted on being jennie’s manager, thinking it would be fun, and while she loved the job more than anything, she could tell it made jennie feel closed off from their friendship.

she signed and held her face in her hands, brushing her hair back. she didn’t know what to do. jennie’s career means way too much to her...i can’t suggest a break, or quitting altogether…

she felt bad for trying to push jennie and rosie together. she knew it was probably overwhelming for jennie, but jisoo couldn’t help herself. it was the happiest she’d seen jennie in years, she was thrilled that jennie seemed to find someone she cared about. but at what cost?

-

“please come in, can i get you anything?” rosie was shocked to see jennie at her doorstep but was eager to hear what she had to say. the silence between them was taking a heavy toll on her. she could tell it was taking a toll on jennie too.

“no, thank you. rosie…” she sighed, visibly struggling to get the words out. “i miss you. i miss being around you and being close to you...but i’m scared. i know this is so much for me to say to you at once but please bear with me and hear me out, okay?”

rosie nodded, now concerned for jennie.

“i think i’ve caught feelings for you. and i never meant to, but when i met you, you changed my life unlike anyone or anything else i’ve ever experienced. you’re a force to be reckoned with, rosie. you’re the light on my dark days...i listen to your songs to fall asleep. i’ve struggled with insomnia for years and yet, your voice is the only thing that can get me to sleep. you are the reason behind my happiness, and i know i’ve been distant...i didn’t want to acknowledge how i feel about you because you know how it’ll look...i’m sorry to be this way and to come all the way here to tell you.”

rosie watched as tears welled up in jennie’s eyes, and she felt them swell in her own too but she blinked them back as best she could. she was at a loss for words. she almost didn’t want to say anything.

“you don’t have to say anything. i needed to tell you before i let it eat away at me. it’s too much to know that i’m falling for you more and more every time i see you, especially when i have nobody to tell.”

rosie had so many things to say, all bouncing and running around her head like birds in a frenzy, but nothing could make its way to her mouth. she had nothing to say to jennie.

“i know this will probably effect how we work together. congratulations on your acceptance.”

jennie stood up to leave, showing herself out knowing rosie was frozen to her spot on the small, white sofa. rosie stared at the blank wall in front of her, listening in silence as the door shut, and jennie’s muffled footsteps grew softer as she found her way down the hall and out of the building. 

rosie battled with herself internally for what felt like hours. should i tell lisa? should i tell jisoo? should i call jennie and tell her how i feel? rosie felt so lost, she had never felt so torn before. she decided to keep the information to herself, just for now. it can’t hurt to have a secret every once in a while, right?

-

jennie felt her mind wandering through a dense cloud of thoughts as she drove back home. she sped the whole way, wanting to lay down in bed as soon as possible. she felt like she would finally be safe from reality as soon as she was in her room. it felt almost like time stood still there, like it was the one place in the world she could be entirely herself, uncensored and unfiltered.

she felt like her feet and mind were both dragging along behind her the whole way up the stairs and down the corridor. she felt disconnected from herself, but ignored it just like she did all the time. every movement she made felt so weak, as if there was no structure to her body to make her move with purpose.

she got to her apartment and laid in bed, debating whether or not to play one of rosie’s videos. sleeping sure seemed to beat being awake, but she was scared of what she might dream of if she did fall asleep.

-

rosie laid wide awake in bed almost all night. she checked the time. 3:37 am. she got up and dressed herself to leave, and grabbed her keys.

she drove to YGE so she could write in a practice room. after all, now that she was officially a trainee, she’d have to begin using her resources eventually. it felt so empty all throughout the building, probably because it was at this time of night, but something else about it almost gave her chills and made her feel isolated.

she sat at a small bench in the room she found, and set her keyboard up to play. she had a small, short and sweet melody in her head that she had thought of on the way there. she hummed and pressed a few keys to sound a chord, and hummed a little more. she started to write out a few rhyming words on her empty sheet of paper.

-

jennie sat in her tile-floored shower, ignoring everything but the hot water breathing down her back. it felt like it was caressing her, like the hot water was the only one there to comfort her. she appreciated its warmth, and how it made her feel. but something was missing.

she stepped out of the shower and dried herself, and got dressed. she needed to leave. she needed an escape desperately. nothing could help her besides a release of pent up energy.

-

an hour passed, and rosie was still writing. she felt herself grow tired but subconsciously insisted on staying to write. it was the most she’d written in a long time, and she forgot what a rush it was to let out all her creative energy and freedom. especially now that she was making a career out of it.

she played more soft chords on her keyboard and scribbled out more words, and smiled at the song as it finally began to come together. she jumped at the sound of a door shutting elsewhere in the building. who else could possibly be here right now? she was tempted to grab her things and leave hurriedly, but she felt frozen to her spot. maybe out of fear? our of hope they’d go away?

she watched the door open to the room she was in and felt a weight the size of a mountain come off her chest when she saw jennie’s face. jennie was frightened to see her, but soon realized they both faced the same struggle. she smiled a warm, genuine smile when she saw rosie composing. it was like watching life imitate art. she walked over to where she sat slowly, and explained herself as she did.

“this is my favorite room to practice in. i like that it’s a few floors up, so you can have a nice view outside the window. during the day, at least.” rosie smiled to hear her say that, but also felt almost like she was intruding in jennie’s safe space. if this was her favorite room, how would she feel about rosie being here?

as if to answer her question, jennie continued. “i’m glad to see you here.” she sat beside rosie at the makeshift piano bench. “it’s nice to come and be here when you can’t sleep. it’s like you’re in another world when you’re here and nobody else is.”

rosie smiled at her, half happy to see jennie and half relieved that she wasn’t upset.

“i do like it here, it’s nice to get away and write in a new environment,” she said softly. she was surprised by how timid she sounded to herself, but she was hoping jennie wouldn’t think she sounded too shy.

“what are you working on?” jennie was curious about what she could see of rosie’s song that had been scribbled onto a piece of notebook paper. she could hardly even read the writing, but she trusted rosie’s process nonetheless.

rosie began to sing for her, “i, i know where to lay...i know what to say...it’s all the same.”

the chords she played sounded so ethereal, jennie felt like the song had been composed with astounding purpose.

“would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you...so tell me where i went wrong / would’ve gave it all for you, cared for you, my lover, my liar…” she stopped there, not knowing what words to sing next. she wished she had a complete song to sing to jennie, but by the look on jennie’s face she could tell that what she had was enough to impress.

rosie stared into jennie’s eyes, and jennie stared back at her. it felt like they could see into each other’s souls by the way both girls’ eyes were full of emotion and thought. jennie reached hand over to rosie’s, and they gently touched for a minute. rosie felt like she had been lit up by jennie’s touch, like that feeling could cure any hardship she’d ever faced.

jennie felt tempted to lean in, to make a move or to do something, anything at all to escalate the moment but something held her back. something made her feel like kissing this beautiful girl in front of her would be a mistake. she almost felt guilty, it felt like minutes upon hours were passing during the time they looked at each other, despite it being merely seconds. it felt like the world had come to a stop. why wouldn’t she kiss rosie? did rosie even want that?

a clock mounted on the wall behind jennie caught rosie’s eye. 5:18 am. rosie’s eyes widened and jennie’s face grew concerned. “is everything okay? what happened?

rosie stood up, gathering her things beginning to leave. “i’m sorry, yes everything’s okay i just really need to go. i lost track of time, i’m sorry.” jennie nodded and helped rosie gather her things from the practice room. almost, she thought to herself.

she walked rosie out, to the parking lot and to her car where rosie put her things in the back seat.

“thank you for showing up,” rosie said as she touched jennie’s hand ever so lightly. “i’m glad i got to start my day off with you.”

she got into her car, waved goodbye, and jennie watched as she drove away. she felt herself wishing with all her might that she had kissed rosie. she wished that she had the same courage she felt the day she confessed her feelings. she told herself, maybe next time, but the next time wouldn’t be the same. it’s never the same. she sighed and hung her head as she walked to her own car. she felt again like her mind was dragging behind her, an entity separate from her body. she drove herself home, and shut herself in her room.


End file.
